Today's Special

Today's Special was a Canadian kids program about the hilarious happenings of the after-hours characters in a department store: a window dresser, a mannequin that comes to life with a little magic,
a Muppet-like security guard and a rhyming mouse named Muffy.
I used to watch this show after school with my little sister. It's so cheesy but we loved every episode.

What do latchkey kids watch now? Oprah and NCIS marathons?

Show and Tell

Sometimes ladies will come into the shop with their girlfriends before or after a lunch date and go through a sort of show-and-tell browsing ritual. Usually the alpha friend guides the follower through the store and points out all of the items she has recently purchased. The alpha talks almost nonstop, never gives the follower an opportunity to look at anything herself, leaves no room for a sales associate to edge in there for so much as a 'hello' to either of them and eventually ends with "let's go by Starbucks and I'll tell you everything we did on our vacay in Saint Barts" or "let's swing by Nordstrom and I'll show you all of the shoes I just bought."

I wonder how many followers actually like the alpha friend they are out with? I have to admit I have an alpha friend and I get sucked into outings like this every now and then. I go home afterward, have a cocktail (or three) and some peace and quiet and thank the stars that my own alpha friend is of the low-dose variety.

Anyway, I always think of Al Wilson's song "Show and Tell" when this browsing ritual is going on; it came on the radio on my way home from work tonight and I had a good chuckle. Enjoy, it's a classic:

Image credit: Cynthia von Buhler.

Check out her amazing art here: http://www.cynthiavonbuhler.com/paintings.html

Groundhog Day

Like Bill Murray's experience in Groundhog Day, re-living the same thing day-in and day-out gets really, really, really old. At least Bill had the luxury of acting out his aggressions.

I have had this conversation so many times that I wanted to scream today when it came up again:

customer: What size would I be in here?

salesgirl: What size do you normally wear? (note: I know what size you wear, but saying you look like a size 6 to a size 4 is just as bad as saying "when are you due?")

customer: I don't know.

salesgirl: You don't know what size you are? What are you wearing now?

customer: Well, I want to know what size I would be in your store.

salesgirl: We run relatively true-to-size so if you are typically a 6, you'd be a 6 here...depending on the fit of the garment and which designer we're comparing.

customer: I am a 4! I have never been a size 6 in my life!

**Sigh**

She really was a 6, by the way.

So, that got me thinking about all of the annoying phrases and queries we hear all the time.

• I bet you spend your whole paycheck in here.
  
• I bet you never go home with any money.
  
• I'll take one of everything.
  
• I'm your best customer.
  
• I'm just looking.
  
• I'm just 'getting ideas'.
  
• My husband said I looked fat in this.
  
• My friend said it made me look hippy.
  
• Do you have something in my size? (said by the male companion)
  
• Does this wash me out?
  
• What goes with these black pants?
  
• What goes with this white shirt?
  
• Did you make this in a size 8? I don't see one.
  
• Can you tell me what time it is?
  
• Is it okay if we bring our ice cream in here?
  
• Where is the bathroom?
  
• Can you break this for me?
  
• Can you give me directions?


• When will this go on sale?


• It's so cold in here. How can you stand it?


• It's so hot in here. How can you stand it?


• The music is so loud in here.
  
• It's so quiet in here.
  
• Oprah said not to wear such-and-such.
  
• Oprah said I should wear such-and-such.
  
• What Not To Wear said you should only wear such-and-such.
  
• What Not To Wear said you should never wear such-and-such.


• My husband said if I brought home one more shopping bag, he'd kill me.


• Do you think they have this in the store across town?


• You should tell your corporate office that they should make (insert terrible idea.)


• How long can you hold this?


• *Answers store telephone in the middle of the afternoon* Are you open?
  
• I'm looking for something I saw in here a year ago, do you still have it?

Image credit Life Magazine, 1951.

Retail Myth #2: There Is No Money In A Retail Career.

My Uncle loves to tell the story of my first paycheck. He and my beloved late Grandpa picked me up after work one Saturday night to meet up with the rest of the family for a dinner out. I was working as a clerk at a record and video store; I think I made $4.20 an hour and minimum wage at the time was around $3.75 - I thought I was doing pretty good for a high school junior. Apparently, I'd gotten my paycheck and eagerly opened it in the privacy of the backseat only to blurt out "what the heck is FICA and why did it take so much of my money?!?" I have no memory of this but it was two decades ago and it sounds like something I would say. Amusing to gentlemen-the-wiser, not at all amusing to a teenager saving up for a car.

I think it's a weird misconception that all levels of retail pays on this scale to this day. If you think about it, in many cases, a part-time sales associate/ cashier/ customer service person is pretty equivalent to a mail room clerk or receptionist for a larger company. Depending on the type of retailer you work for, that can be either the task-oriented workhorse or the pretty face of the larger company with very little responsibility, thus lower pay. But not all retailers are comparable to each other, a cashier at a big box retailer is highly likely to make at or near minimum wage whereas a sales associate for a high-end front-line fashion boutique can make a ton of money (especially if commission is involved.)

I once had teaching aspirations. I love, love, love kids and really love summer and Christmas break and weekends and thought that teaching would be the perfect marriage of all of this. Also, that sort of career is just tailor-made for family life and I always wanted to have a big one. So when I first started out in retail, it was to save for a car... then it was to pay for college... then I realized that I was already making more money as an assistant manager than I would as a teacher unless I went for my masters. So masters was the plan until I was promoted to store manager and was making too much money to walk away. Then multi-store management and now multi-million volume management... it just snowballs.

Back in the late 90's I was managing a home and lifestyle boutique - think Anthropologie on a very small scale - and had a customer who perpetually used table linens, stained them, attempted to launder them, and then return them. I let it slide the first time but as is usually the case, she saw it as an opportunity to continue her dishonesty and I had to have the most uncomfortable conversation with her and let her know I would no longer be able to accept returns from her as it was very clear she was taking advantage of the company. Her response was "Working in retail must not be very lucrative for you, I bet it's upsetting to deal with people day in and day out who make more money than you do." I thought that was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard. I get that she was embarrassed about being essentially banned from a store for chronic returns but, seriously, I could afford to buy and keep table linens. I remember telling her "I'm sorry you feel that way." and walked away, leaving her with her stained tablecloth and no refund.

Even now I'll occasionally see the surprise on a customer's face when it comes up in conversation that I own my home, or that I have traveled extensively, or about my recent car purchase. They always say that my husband must have a good job and I correct them with "Nope, I'm single... feel free to fix me up with any cute single guys you know."

And there's the rub. Making really good money but in return I work all summer, every weekend, and it feels like every moment during the Christmas season. I haven't had those kids that I wanted and meeting men on a retail schedule is relatively fruitless. I guess money can't buy happiness but it has bought me a lot of table linens.

Image credit Life Magazine, December 1953. And what's up with the creepy dude?

Ugly Americans Shopping for France

I get a lot of vacation-trousseau shoppers preparing for a holiday across the pond in Paris. It's one of the easiest ways to get me in motion, totally motivated to dress you from head-to-toe in a way that will make heads turn (in appreciation, not shock,) jaws drop and cause people to say "Jackie Kennedy-who?" as you saunter by. I can really only visit Paris vicariously through you; getting vacation approval in retail is a complete nightmare but that's for another time and post.

No matter how well (and tastefully) you dress, how perfected your français is, how polite you are, how genteel you are, the French-at-large (especially Parisians) can spot an American a mile, er... kilometre, away. So there's really no hope in trying to "fit in" and, honestly, why would you want to? Enjoy the suspended reality! Enjoy being a stranger in a strange land! Just know that your trip will be so much more enjoyable if you dress and behave in an inoffensive manner. I am constantly lecturing this - do not give them a reason to treat you poorly and they will not.

BUT. You must know that customs are completely different and one of the biggest standouts is when shopping. Well, service in general. Do not expect to be bombarded by over-eager sales people when you enter a store. It's just not how they roll; you're not in the US anymore. Your server in the bistro will not crouch down by your table and annoyingly chirp out the daily specials over an abundance of pieces of flair on suspenders.

DO be polite, do greet clerks with a pleasant "bonjour", do have a fabulous time but do understand that you are in their 'hood and you're playing by their rules. I can't tell you how many people return from a trip to Paris and tell me how rude the sales people are. "They wouldn't let me try the clothing on" or "they rolled their eyes when I asked a question" or "they didn't even acknowledge me" and so on. Believe me, it's not that they hate you or are terrible people, it's simply their custom to conduct business in a certain manner.

My advice? Above all else, never wear shorts or sneakers (except Converse.) Don't take anything personally, eat a fabulous éclair at Fauchon and read up on Polly Platt before your trip.

Bonnes vacances!

The Fitting Room Is Not Your Toilet

Men get a whole lot of flack for being vile and disgusting where hygiene is concerned but they've got nothing on women when it comes to public restrooms, or sometimes a lack thereof. Have you ever walked into a restroom only to go stall to stall to stall looking for an unblemished commode? Or how about the perpetually wet counters that you wouldn't dare set your purse on (you only make that mistake once in a lifetime.)

Many years ago I worked in a famous department store. While I ended that career path long ago in favor of the high-end boutique life, I did kind of enjoy it. For the most part. I loved the freedom of being solely responsible for myself and my performance. When it was time for a break, I could take it. If I was sick, I could call in sick. When it was time to go home, I left. My presence didn't make or break the store.

The strangest phenomenon consistently occurred that none of us sales gals could ever figure out. With clearly marked public restrooms all over the place, we constantly found urine-soiled tissue papers neatly folded on the benches in the fitting rooms. The tissues were the annoying pieces you find folded inside of sweaters and knits to keep them neatly stacked (well, initially inside of the sweaters, but all over the floor by then end of the day if not sacrificed for incontinence.) Was it the thrill of peeing in public? Or could these women really not make it the few hundred feet to the toilets?

Maybe they were marking their territory?

And would you believe there is a World Toilet Day? Mark your calendars - it's celebrated on November 19 all around the globe. Don't pee in the fitting rooms, ladies...people in third world countries would love to use our toilets. Appreciate the hygienic accommodations.